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Bar jokes!

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself....Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they spread."
An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..."Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Bar Quotes: Beer is good food.
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa?
A baby seal walks into a club...
Bar Quotes: Draft beer, not people!
Bar Quotes: Beer: Nature's laxative.
Beer Belly - A gas tank for a sex machine.
He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
So, a guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he said!
Beer nuts are $1.99. Deer nuts are under a buck.
Three men walk into a bar... the forth one ducks.
Bar Quotes: Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
I have a drinking problem. I don't have any money!
Drinking Wisdom: A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
Alternative Meanings: Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Whats yellow and swings from cake to cake? Tarzipan.
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it could happen!
A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
Bar Quotes: Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar!"
Alternative Meanings: Polarize: What penguins see with.
Bar Quotes: Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Alternative Meanings: Misty: How golfers create divots.
They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde
Bar Quotes: Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and ... one was a-salted!
Bar Quotes: Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
Alternative Meanings: Relief: What trees do each spring.
Alternative Meanings: Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
Tow truck sign "Drink and Drive! We need the business!"
Alternative Meanings: Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Pick-Up Line - What Sign Were You Born Under? NO Parking.
Alternative Meanings: Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
What do you call a basement full of women? A whine cellar!
Alternative Meanings: Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Beer: It's how you got here!
The Top Rejected Beer Slogans: Easier to Spell than Whiskey!
Booze is the answer, but now I can't remember the question!
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out!
You know you had too much too drink when Roseanne looks good!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?
Alternative Meanings: Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan
Bar Quotes: A drink a day keeps the shrink away. [Edward Abbey]
Bar Quotes: 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Bar Quotes: It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Alternative Meanings: Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor and still hang-on!
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields
What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar? A beer and a mop!
Drinking Wisdom: Wine is bottled poetry. - Robert Louis Stevenson
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

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