Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
So what if I can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
My wife said she is leaving me because of my obsession of posting jokes about her leaving me. So, I posted a joke about her leaving me.
As a little kid I remember the tooth fairy asking me if i wanted to be very funny or have good memory. I forgot which one I chose.
I farted on a elevator today. It was wrong on many levels.
A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. After a while they broke up and he wanted it back.
My dad used to hit me over the head with a camera. I still have flashbacks.
If potters enjoy pottery, cooks enjoy cookery, and poets enjoy poetry. Why cant adults enjoy adultery?
A lot of people call me a Hypercondriac, which really hurts...
I just finished reading a book on anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down.
My boyfriend says I'm afraid of commitment, well, he's not my boyfriend.
If I ever got sent to the electric chair, I would order a tub of butter for my last meal...along with a lot of unpopped popcorn!
I was in a taxi yesterday when the driver was telling me about his job; how good it is; that he's independent; he's his own boss and nobody tells him what to do...then, I told him to make a left turn.
When I was young, older people at weddings would poke me and say, "You're next." So, whenever I went to funerals I started doing the same to them.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.
I saw a sign today that read: Stand behind our troops...if not, please feel free to stand in front of them!
I saw a bumper Sticker that said "Forget World Peace...Visualize Using Your Blinkers!"
A new Mexican student entered my class today. My teacher told him to make a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow in it. He said, "the phone green, I pink it up, and say yellow!"
3 nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. The 1st nurse says, "I cant let that go to waste," and she rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains she has her period, but spurred on by her friends, she does the same. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after 2 jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great."
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price!
Signs of a bad day: Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill"...and your name is George!
Confucius says,"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly!"
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag!
You might be a redneck if: Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People!"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others!
What do you call 2 guys with no arms or legs in front of your window? Curt n' Rod!
What do you instantly know about a well dress man? His wife picked out his clothes.
You might be a redneck if: On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat!
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live!
You might be a redneck if last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies!
Live every day as if it were your last because eventually, one day you'll be right!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off!
Did you hear about the robbery last night? Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!
I know carrots are good for the eyes, but it nearly makes me blind sticking them in!
You might be a redneck if you're home schooled and you date someone in your class!
Why couldn't the blonde write the number 11? She didn't know which one came first.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody!
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again!
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
Why was the blonde fired from the banana plantation? She threw out all the bent ones.
What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia? Build a house next to them!
How do you know if a Polock has been using a computer? There's whiteout on the screen.
How do you know if a Polock's sister has been using a computer? There's writting on the whiteout!
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America!
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place!
What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly!
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
What is a sorority girl's mating call? 'I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk.'
How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and see Rubble!
What do you get when you put 32 people from Kentucky in one room? A full set of teeth!
Did you hear about the Amish flu? First you get a little hoarse, then you get a buggy.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters!
Did you hear about the new "Morning After" pill for men? It changes your blood type.
An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they're not treated like an adult!
When Chuck Norris does push ups he doesn't push himself up. He pushes the world down.
What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction? Jail break!
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Something you will never hear a Redneck say: Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight!
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Ebonics 101: I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped defense and got away!
The thing that impresses me most about America is how well parents obey their children!
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it!
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with!
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
You might be a redneck if: The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year!
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!
You know your Amish child is losing it when: he's wearing his big black hat backwards.
What are three things you can't give a black person? A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
What don't you ask a woman drinking coffee at a mastectomy clinic? "One lump or two?"
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs!
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he doesn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised!
Confucius says, "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!"
What do you say to a black person in a three-piece suit? Will the defendant please rise?
I was an ugly kid, too. How ugly? I was so ugly my mother breast-fed me through a straw!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway!
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when you answer the door before people knock!
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when you chew on other people's fingernails!
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet!
Why are black peoples' hands white? Because they are always leaning up against cop cars!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? C'mon, there's no crying in knock knock jokes!
What is white and red and hangs from a telephone wire? A baby shot through a snow blower.
Things to do in the bathroom stall...Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
Is it better to be born black or gay? Black - because you don't have to tell your folks!
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Luck. Luck who? Luck through the keyhole and you'll find out!
You can tell you've drunk too much coffee when you have to watch videos in fast-forward!
Ways to order a pizza the fun way...Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat!
Redneck Driver's Manual: The race car is not street legal even if you do have a license!
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told!
Mobile phones are the only things in life that a man will brag about having the smallest!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!